I Take Bein An Asshole To New Heights

26 01 2010

So my buddy who plays for the Cleveland Indians came in last night for press week.  Let’s call him “Sean.”  In the previous few weeks, I have been trying to set us up with these two girls Laura and She-ra (names have been changed).  I have known Laura for a long time and she’s always kinda been a little hard to gauge.  She chases athletes and what not, so figure out your own impression…. I won’t lead you.  So she has a roommate and they live close to me/bars downtown.

So this planning has lead to last night when we go out.  I tell them early to meet us at Liquid.  I meet up with Sean and we head over.  We catch up and grab a drink… Good times.  He’s a really good dude and it was good seein him.  A few drinks later, the ladies meet us out and we continue to have some cocktails and tell tall tales, lol.  Laura asks me if I like to eat late at night…. I obviously say yes and she says that we should get some pizza from Panini’s and then head back to their place.  So the 4 of us head over there after the bar closes.  I leave with my drink still in my hand from the bar, lol.  We have a run in w/ this drunk guy that was also at Liquid and I wind up having to tell him to get lost.  I continue to tell him to get lost, and wind up pushing him away.  Of course he falls and everyone in the bar has to turn around and see what’s up.  My friends (whom i wasn’t even out with) see what’s going on and they immediately get in the guys face, askin why he’s messin with me.  I got great friends…but i digress.

The four of us wind up at the girls’ house and we smash the pizza and start to play some games.  We throw a couple of darts and play some Foosball…. (my team loses :(, btw).  It’s getting late and it’s about that time when you decide what’s what and who’s with who.  So all of a sudden it’s just 3 of us.  Laura disappears and I’m assuming she’s in the bathroom, or slipping into something more comfortable, lol.  Sean and She-ra head to her bedroom and I’m a little confused.  I look around, realizing that i’m alone and I try to find Laura.  She’s laying in her bed w/ the covers up and tells me that I can sleep on the couch.  I immediately walk out of her room and go looking for Sean.  He comes out and he’s in his underwear, so obviously his night is going exponentially better than mine.

Laura comes out of her room and wonders what’s going on.  I say i’m leaving cause Mr. Sims does not sleep on couches (why should I? I live downtown!) and I let her know how I’m feeling.  I feel like I should tell you that I’m super drunk at this point and prob should have already been sleeping.  So I gave Laura a piece of my mind and proceed to walk out the door in the snow, in the cold, and it’s  5am.  As i’m leaving/getting home, I obviously have more to say to Laura and then the drunk texts start flowing.  Here’s the play by play….

Me: All that time convincing me u weren’t a whore for nothing? Ppl always said u were and I stuck 4 u. (Doesn’t the fact that she told me to sleep on the couch say she’s NOT a whore?  I’m still pissed because she obviously sleeps around.  She has a “batline.”  She works at the Ritz…. Baron Davis sent a picture to her phone that is her screen saver…. you do the math, again… I’m not gonna lead you (though i already did!))  p.s. I think I’m still drunk as I’m writing this.  I woke up at 3:30pm today…

Me: Guess I was wrong…….

Me: And you….. Yankee haters, your momma loved to sex up the slaves

Her: Ha marcus no one i who knows me even knows u. And if i did anything tnite it proved i wasnt

Her: What r u even talking about? (that’s a good fuckin question!!!!! and it gets worse!)

Me: Hahahahahaha so u think. I had been asking abt u @ work from ur bosses. Now I know what kinda person u are, lol. Like I said…. find out who ur dealin with (don’t know why I said that, cause I have no idea who her boss is, lol)

Me: How sweet would it be if u were fired and I was laughing?  Your choice player.

Her: You arent making sense.  I was nothing but nice to you.

Me: Pass… if u think that, u think like the nazis. U wanted for me to get out of ur house

Her: I told u u could stay.  Im just not the kind of person to let someone sleep in my bed the first time we hang out (Um… u have a batphone, yet don’t have an important job, and/or are not an important person within ur company).  No one sleeps in ur bed?  So i guess we shoulda just did it on the couch?

Me: I didn’t ask to sleep in ur bed. You’ll b hearing from.  My lawyer

Her: Umm ok i said u could sleep on the couch. U didnt want to. Goodnight

Me: Welll sweet dreams. Couch it is not

So let me just say that results are not typical.  I had no fucking clue what I was talking about.  I reread my txts and i was mortified… But what is a monday night if you don’t have a story to tell?  I’m not THAT important, but I have some hilarious stories to tell. Some are good and some are bad, but I feel like I have to recount my experiences.  If I don’t, I’m sure I’ll forget and you won’t be able to laugh at me!!




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